It has been a while.  I've really had a hard time working up an interest in anything.  I've spent a lot of time just staring off into space over the last couple of weeks.....not really caring about anything at all.  I still feel partly that way.  I avoid going outside if I'm able.  I'll go if I have to, but if there's any way I can avoid it, I do.  It's not that I'm scared or anything, it's just that....well, I'm really not sure what it is.  I'm going to have start going outside soon, though.  School is starting next month.  I'm looking forward to it.  If for no other reason, than to have something to do during the day.  Hopefully, it'll break this depression.  Depression is not just sadness and wanting to hurt or kill yourself; it's also lack of interest and difficulty concentrating.  Both of which I'm suffering in spades.  I've been having the hardest time starting and then completing a book.   AARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!  I just can't stay interested....and it makes me soooo frustrated!!!!!! 

Anyway, this is why I've been absent....I've not been checking my email or anything....I've just been sitting and basically doing nothing because there was just nothing.

I am feeling much much much physical pain today. I've called Palines and told him the pain meds are not working anymore for the Rheumatoid. They have advised me that I must come in and see him before anything can be done. I have an appointment this afternoon at 3. Thank God, it wasn't this morning. I would not have been able to shower, get dressed or drive over there. I was hurting too much to do so. I doubled up on pain meds and am still hurting quite a bit and am feeling a little woozy but hopefully I'll be able to do all those things this afternoon. No possible way I could have done them this morning. I've just been sitting and resting and trying to find a position in which I do not hurt. I'll have to shower soon so that I'll be able to rest again before I have to get dressed and drive. Unfortunately, drbear's work schedule prevents him from coming home to take me to the Dr's office or he would. The next appointment would have been Wednesday at 3:45, but I didn't want to hurt that long. Rheumatoid Arthritis Sucks and don't let anyone tell you different!

I am worthless, yes, I am completely worthless. I couldn't get a job if I cried and pleaded and lay prostrate upon the ground in front of a potential employer. I don't know what I have to do. I don't know what I can do. We've had the electricity shut off. And if we don't come up with quite a bit of money soon, it's going to be cut off again...and I honestly don't know how we're going to get the funds needed. The only reason that we have electricity now is because I have a medical reason (the c-pap) that states I need electricity...of course, that's not going to make any difference next time. *sigh* This is so hard and I'm so tired of talking about it and complaining about it and worrying about it. I'm just plain sick of it all. We're supposed to start budget counseling on Tuesday, I can only hope that things will start looking up once we do that. Otherwise, I think we may just have to run away somewhere and hide.

I know that patience is supposed to be a virtue, but it is not one of mine. I've never been a patient person. I hate waiting for things. I've applied for two different jobs. I should know by the end of the business day on Monday whether I've got one of them or not. There's no telling when I'll know about the other one. Hopefully, it'll be soon. I'm rather hoping for the second one. Both jobs are in call centers, having to do with customer service. The one that I'll know about on Monday is located in Appleton; that's why I'm hoping I'll get the other one....even though it pays less. If I do get the job in Appleton, the pay does make it worth the drive....still it's not a drive I look forward to, nor do I look forward to the hours...4pm to 1am. I am willing to do those hours if I have to because we need the money...*sigh* We'll see what happens. I just hope I get one of the jobs.

I've reached the conclusion that DTV is a conspiracy between Cable Television, Satellite Television and the American Government to get all Americans signed up for either Cable or Satellite television. I'm not sure how much the cable and satellite companies paid the politicians, but it was enough to screw the public. At least those of us trying to watch television with an antenna. As soon as you get interested in a show, or it gets to a really pivotal part, someone walks by outside and zzzzzt!!!!! the picture is lost. That's all it takes, truly. Even one of the cats getting up in the window will interfere with the signal. Yes, I am very very very bitter about this. Frustrated, angry, spittin' mad and schizoid are other words that can be used to describe me at times...*shaking my head*

Just a post to let everyone know that, yes, I am still here, though sometimes I wonder if I really want to be. Some days it seems the only thing I have to look forward to anymore are Dr's appointments. And those aren't any fun at all. So, I'll go before I drag anyone else down where I'm at.

I hope everyone is doing better than we are.

This has been a tough week...definitely not the toughest week, but a tough one nonetheless. I have come to the conclusion that the D-TV transition is nothing more than a conspiracy between the government and cable and satellite companies to get all of us consumers subscribed to cable or satellite services. It's impossible to watch a show digitally with an antenna. If you try, you will end up missing about half of it....the most important parts, usually. And, generally, it takes great restraint to keep from throwing things at the television. I've been able to keep it at just cussing and I've been listening to the radio alot. There's only so much I can take. drbear finally found out how frustrating it can be yesterday when he was trying to watch the Indianapolis 500. I actually felt sorry for him. He's not actually had to put with it like I have, because he's, at least, been working.

Anyway, I'm also kinda peeved with drbear's brother-in-law just now. Hunbear's sis and bro-in-law (we'll call them "M" & "B" for ease) were nice enough to loan us enough money to keep us from becoming homeless and I thank them and God for that. We are doing are dangedest to pay them back....unfortunately, we did not have the full amount to pay them back this past week. B (the bro-in-law) apparently thinks we are living it up or partying or whatever instead of sending them the money we owe them. This could not be further from the truth. We don't have the money to do anything and I mean anything at all. The big event of our weekend.....washing clothes....WOOOHOOOO!!! *shaking my head* I think part of it is that drbear is ashamed of our circumstances and therefore doesn't tell his sister how it truly is with us...*shrug* Me, I've lived through worse things and places than this before. I mean, considering the way I grew up, we're pretty well off. When I was growing up, we had to get government cheese and that nasty powdered milk, we had free lunches at school all through my school life...at least until I got my own job and could pay for my own lunch. All of our clothes were hand-me-downs that we got from our cousins...I remember, I had to wear the ugliest powder blue coat for the longest time. It was given to me by my Aunt, it was knee length and had faux fur on the collar; one of the girls at school purposely spilled ink down the back of it and I still had to wear it even though we couldn't get it cleaned. (Yes, I know it was done purposely, because I heard her say so and then laugh about it.) I still shudder when I think of that coat. It was truly awful.

So, while we are not well off and I certainly wish things could be better....I've survived worse before. I don't much enjoy it, but I live with it; I may complain, but I live with it. Because that's life and life can suck. You have to look for the little blessings; some days you have to look harder than others....but they're always there.....somewhere.

That's how it felt anyway, though drbear would probably argue and say I was very strong this last week. I just thank God that it is over and that we still have a place to live for the time being. Now if only we had food and I had cigarettes and we had gas and we had cable and a few other necessities, but we'll get by without them until next week, I suppose. We've been worse off and I know there are people who are suffering far more than we are.

I had made arrangements for the kitties to be boarded for free so that we would not have to give them up if we became homeless, but Bikini had to have her shots. Our vet was nice enough to give her the shots for free, thinking we were going to be homeless. So, when we found out we were going to keep the apartment we called the vet, wanting to settle the bill once we had the money to do so. I spoke with Becky at the vet's office, they are only charging us $50 of the total charge. (It's less than half the total charge...I'm hoping sometime in the future we'll be able to make a donation to their injured/abandoned animal fund.) I love our veterinarians.

Today is my last class for this semester and we have to give a presentation. Oh Joy! Ah well, 20 minutes and it'll be over, four hours and the class/semester will be over. I'm just hoping I'll have enough gas to make it to school and then over to the library, then home. I'm honestly not sure that I do. I'll have to ask hunbear when he gets up, he may want me to wait until he gets home to go over to the library...of course, who knows if I even have enough gas to make it to school and home again...*weak smile*

After all the stress of the week I'm feeling a little down...I guess that's to be expected. Plus I'm worrying about my dad. My sister says he is not well. I'm not sure what, if anything, I can do or say to help him. I'm going to have to keep thinking about it. A good deal of it is economical/financial and there's not anything, unfortunately, that I can help with when it comes to that....*sigh* I'll have to try and keep a closer ear on things down there....I can't keep a closer eye on things....It's a bit hard with 1000 miles between us...

Yup, that's my new favorite word. That is how I cope, I compartmentalize. I put all the bad things that are happening in a box and push them to the side and go on and do what I have to do. That's the only way that I can keep functioning somewhat normally...or as normally as I ever function..*grin* How else is one supposed to cope with eviction hanging over one's head?? And with the lack of a job?? I'm not sure if drbear told everyone or not, but the company that hired us called us back and told us that the VP called them and said, "No training class just now." They told us that we would be the first people they would call when the next training class comes up or open or whatever, but that doesn't help us now. So, we just go on.

We've been looking at other apartments. We saw two and both were very nice, much nicer than the one that we are living in now....in fact, I'd rather be living in either one than the one we are living in now. But, now it's a waiting game to see if the first one will accept our application, then if not, if the second one will.

Also, I'm looking at summer classes. I've sent an email to financial aid to find out if I have any financial aid available for summer classes. If so, I think I may just do that. The job front doesn't look that hopeful....*sigh*

Ah well, we'll just wait and see what happens.

We're just spending a lazy Sunday at home. I barely made it to class yesterday....I was in so much pain, I could barely walk into the building. I had to get security to get a wheelchair to get me out to my car after class. I'm not in as much pain today, but I think that's because I'm not doing as much today as I did yesterday. I know it's the weather that has got me hurting, I hate when the weather is like this. It'll get better I'm sure.

I figured out today that I'm way ahead in my Economics class. I'm on the last assignment due for the semester and it's not due until May 15. This is a good thing because I have to figure out how to do a Power Point Presentation between now and then...*grin* I'm sure I'll figure it out.

Not much else to talk about....we're cooking supper now. We're having hamburgers and julienne potatoes....yummy!!

We have no hot water. Ohhhhh, am I unhappy about this. You don't even want to get me started. I'm ready to be yelling at somebody.

Not anything else going on today, so I can sit and dwell on it. This just isn't good. I'm going to try to distract myself with homework, at least as much as I can get done today.

All I can say is that we'd better have hot water tomorrow morning.....I've got my interview and I need to shower before I go to it dang it!!!!!

The good is that, so far, I have A's in both of my classes....which, needless to say, I'm very, very happy about. I confess I was very concerned about taking an online class this semester. I was afraid I wouldn't do to well because of the lack of interaction between me and my professor and myself and other students. But, I've done well without that, though I do miss the interaction somewhat.

The bad....WE HAVE NO HOT WATER AT ALL!!!!! Our water is seriously ice cold. Which is what leads to the stinky...as we have not been able to take a shower. I tried this morning, but I couldn't make myself...I literally stood in the back of the shower with icy cold water spraying on my lower body and could not walk forward....I could not make myself move any further under the spray. It was icy. We've called the maintainance man twice, first he was supposed to be here at 9am, then he was supposed to be here at 2pm.....He's still not here...*sigh* This is really annoying to say the least.

So as to not leave this post on a rotten note, I leave y'all with a cartoon that is so very much the truth....but, it's possible that it may leave a bad taste in y'all's mouth anyway...*rueful smile*




****Click on it, it's definitely worth it!!****

I feel rather like my pic/icon today, all twisted up and I'm not really sure why. I reckon it could be because I just didn't sleep well last night....if I had to guess, I'd say that's probably the biggest reason. My thoughts are just rampaging all over the place and its hard to make heads or tails of them. In fact, its really hard write this post right now. I find myself staring off into space with my mind completely blank and I'm not sure how long I've been that way. It's very hard to focus on anything. I'm glad my schoolwork is done for the week. I'm also glad that my interview for that job isn't until Tuesday at 10:30, hopefully my brain will be in better working order by then.

Ah well, not much more to report...because I'm just not doing that much right now. I hope everyone is having a good and satisfying day. Things'll look better tomorrow, I'm sure.

My life is weird....my cat is weird. Things are just weird all around.

The other day, after I whined/complained/ate sour grapes about the job that I had been turned down for, I got a call from another job that I had applied for. This is another company that I worked for. It's actually the company that I was working for, the one that I left to go back to school and they've pretty much offered me a job. Because it's been so long since I worked for them, I have to do an interview, but I get the feeling that it is only a formality and the job is mine. I've already been told about the training and set the hours that I want to work...so....*shrug*.....sounds like its pretty much a done deal. (I hope, I hope!)

As for my cat being weird....Today, I was reading my psychology text and Tikit was on my lap, I was not really paying attention to her...but then I happened to glance at her out of the corner of my eye. SHE WAS DRINKING FROM MY TEA!!!!! And yes, she was actually drinking, she had the evidence on her mouth (a drop of tea) and she kept trying to come back for more. After that, she went just plain nuts. She was harassing poor Bikini, chasing her around, biting and attacking her. No more caffeine for Tikit. Ever.

Then I got an automated call from my prescription service. They were calling to let me know that they had received my order and it had been shipped and I should be receiving it within the next 3-4 days. (I got it today.) Anyway, towards the end of the call the voice says, "If you hard of hearing, please press 2"....or whatever the number was....I was thinking...isn't it a bit late if I'm hard of hearing. *shaking my head* I know there is TTY, but seriously, if this call is not going over a TTY line and one can't hear it, how would they know to press whatever number to change it to a TTY line???? Sometimes, I just have to wonder about things, you know?

Well, I applied for one job and had some hope that I would get it, but that hope was dashed on the rocks of despair yesterday when I received a letter from the company. I'm trying to look at it as their loss; though it is hard, as much as we are struggling now. Anyway, we'll get by somehow or another...and I'll keep looking and hoping. Everybody keep us in their thoughts and prayers please....I really need a part-time job to help us through this rough time.

Otherwise, school is going well. I had a doozy of a dream this morning though. What I remember of it, as I was walking to class I was pulled to one side and told to go to another room. When I went to that room, a teacher that I hadn't seen before, along with two that I knew, (though I can't remember who they were now) was standing at the lecturn. There were other students in the class with me and none of us knew why we were there. Anyway, the teacher I didn't know started speaking and told us that because of our math scores (grades) we were never going to be able to handle money, ever again. EVER IN OUR LIVES. FOR ANY REASON. We had to sign a contract type thing that said we would never have anything to do with money. Needless to say, there was shock all around as we were all Accounting students. How were we supposed to become accountants if we couldn't handle money? Not a good dream.

Not much else to report....I think I'm going to drag drbear to bed because he's falling asleep in the chair....we're both sleepy as everything today. A nap would be nice.

Well, that's what it feels like anyway....I've got school in a bit...and drbear's got to go take some pics of some events, so we're both going to busy for a while today. Then we're going to go do a bit of grocery shopping. Tomorrow laundry is in the picture, if we can avoid the danged snow storm....April...meh!!!!

Anyway, not much time this morning...I've got to run and get a shower soon. I had to take a personality test for my Psychology of Human Relations class. Surprise, surprise, I'm an introvert....I never would have guessed that in a million years. (Insert loads and loads of sarcasm there.) Anyway, if I can stay awake after class I'll tell y'all more about what else it said later. I've been up since very early this morning. Had much trouble sleeping last night. Some disturbing dreams and lots of physical discomfort. I was really, really stiff and my left leg, well, it's really hard to describe what it was feeling like. It was numb and burning and tingling, all at the same time...sort of. I told you it was hard to describe. Anyway, I've got to get off here, otherwise, drbear is going to blow his top. It's his computer time and I'm cutting into it by being on here. *sigh* Even though it's our computer.

It's been almost forever since I posted, but just be happy that we still have a computer that I'm able to post from. Be happy that I have not burned it in effigy.....believe me, I've given it serious thought. But, I have restrained myself and I am waiting patiently for the day when we get a new computer and I can truly burn it in effigy. That day will come.....Oh yes, that day will come....BWAHAHAHAHA!!! The computer is so slow it it is scary...at least it is for me. drbear would say that's because I use Internet Explorer, but I really don't think that's the reason. We've had the darned thing for 7 1/2 or 8 years now. I'm surprised it's lasted this long.

As for the news....Classes are well and truly underway. I'm doing pretty well in Economics so far and last Saturday was my first Psychology of Human Relations class. I think I'm going to like it. It's 4 hours every Saturday morning, but hey, it'll be over in May. I'm going tomorrow to apply for a part-time job for the summer. I'm thinking I'm not going to take any classes this summer, I'll work part-time, then start back in the fall. The college is really not offering that many classes that I need. Besides, we could really use the money from a part-time job. Well, we'll see what happens about that, there's really no predicting.

Enbrel seems to be working pretty well for me. I can really tell if I don't take a dose. I have to give myself a shot every week. It's really not as bad as I thought it would be. It's in an injector pen, so basically all I have to do is place it against my leg and press a button and hold it down. It doesn't feel great, but it doesn't hurt terribly and it's not hard. (I've got a big ol' bruise on my leg from last dose though.)

There's probably a lot of other stuff that I'm not telling, but I think this post has gone on long enough. I will say one more thing though. I'm really sad because it seems the funny has left me when it comes to the ljdq. Hopefully the funny will return to me soon, I miss getting quoted. I'll talk to y'all later.

I found a funny for my good friend i_calql8, well, actually it was delivered to my email...but I just had to post it here. I think you can appreciate the idea....






Wouldn't it be more fun just to email it in....*grin*

Here are a couple of comics I thought everyone would enjoy....I know I did....






And another that is very appropriate if you've ever had a cat....*grin*






I hope y'all enjoy them as much as I did...

Here's a comic I thought everyone would like and I thought it rather appropriate as well..







It was too funny not to post...


x-posted